My Blog

It’s the breath of God through Jesus’s words.

Luke 8:5

‘A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up.

6  Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture.

7  Other seeds fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants.

8  Still other seeds fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times of what was sown. 

10  He said,’ The knowledge of the secrets of the Kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,

‘ though seeing, they may not see;

  though hearing, they may not understand.’

11  ‘This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God.

12  Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved.

13  Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in time of testing they fall away.

14  The seed that fell among thorns stand for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature.

15  But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. ‘

Ah yes, I can finally breathe the air without the weight of worrying about my exam results. The atmosphere around me feel so much lighter at the instant. To begin with, I haven been worrying. However, anxiety built up while I was waiting for the exam results to load in the computer, I could feel my heartbeat racing to 120bpm. When it took ages to load, I grew impatient of waiting and felt so much calmer. Then, the verdict came.  If the person who processed and typed the results didn’t happen to make a mistake, it would be fortunate enough that I have passed my second year med school exam and am experiencing the grace and glory of our merciful Creator. Praise the Lord indeed!

I am so looking forward to clinical years…hopefully, the Lord would place me at the teaching hospital that I wanted to go (Central Manchester MRI).

I was so blessed in this 2 weeks of being in Tawau, my hometown. I went to a church service on father’s day at St. Patrick’s Church and was very moved by the testimony and the sermon of a crippled man.

One day, a father, mother and a son were in a car, driving all the way to another town called Sandakan. The son had a pet, it was a monkey.

Had a chat with my fren in malaysia. She was telling me how the UK NHS just started a new system of shipping back overseas doctors and to give priorities to local or EU residents for clinical specialising.  I was at a point of disbelief. The news was difficult for me to swallow. Future prospects of getting specialised clinical training dive down a big slope. Along with it, my british friend was encouraging me to vote for the LibDem for today’s election, based on their momento of withdrawing university fees and disagreeing on the war in Iraq.

I didn’t vote in the end. Decided that  I haven’t known enough to make my voice heard and affect the political standing of the country. When landed on the idea that the LibDEm would make a change by withdrawing university fees…i was bombarded with all the news of the NHS being in debt at the same time. How could taking in less money help to resolve the problem? The English has been so used to the idea of free NHS service that they think education should be free as well. They honestly believe that money can grow on trees,  that money are like cancers, can be mitotically regenerated…..Well, no. The account will of course be balanced out by people like me, all the way from Malaysia, paying as much as 7 times of what they are paying while they were complaining.

Since when I was younger, in high school..my school fees have been funded completely by the school itself as a scholarship awarding outstanding achievements in government exams. To pay so much money for education deemed to me as a ‘culture shock’. If to be compared to the effort and performance of certain local english students, in deciding who can be subsidized by a well-off government, I am confident to stay well above on scale. So, when I see subsidised local students skipping lectures and getting big fat zeros in what they should be good at…..sense of unfairness can just build up in me. They are just so fortunate enough to be able to not struggle so much financially because of who their parents are and where they are being born. I therefore see this country as being visionless and cowardy. Cowardy not in the sense that people are afraid to face the consequences of the Iraq war, not because they didn’t want to, but the state of being in the comfort zone too long..that they begin to be left behind. Even in terms of medical research and scientific discoveries, more nobel prizes are being won by AMericans nowdays…is that because of their money, resources, brains (can it be?). If anything, I would say it’s guts. The courage to invest in cutting edge medical research that english researches would think of being too unfeasible (e.g. nanotechnology). I would have to apologize for being too general. Indeed, generally this is what I have picked up from the English culture.

Most of the times in my pbl group, i noticed that most of the English students are so afraid to make mistakes. If any one time that another person is implying that he/she had left out some information, they would try as hard as they can to convince people that they knew but just didn’t say it for their ‘own’ reasons. They came across to me as very self-conscious beings. So afraid to be on the ‘wrong’ side of things. They held such importance on their pride. The other thing is: exaggerated compliments. If you need someone to call you a genius just because you know the name of the artery that supplies the right side of the pancreas….it’s the brits.

Compliments in such an exaggerated form somehow made me felt insecure with their comments. It no longer seems to me as genuine or an encourgement even if they probably meant it well. However, that could probably explain the extreme confidence in these English students. They are probably more accommodated to it whereas I still find it part of the ‘culture shock’.

As for my future, I really hope that there will be an opportunity for me learn the best from the best. For skills like that if not being promoted to other countries, will be a loss to humanity. Hopefully these chances wouldn’t be restricted by immigration rules and political reasons, apart from financial burden.

My dear friends, it seemed ages since I wrote in here.

Anyway, i had a very dreadful day yesterday. My portfolio tutor would think that I’m brave to paint the whole scenario here for the access of millions of webusers.  I was the chair of our pbl case which centered on a patient with chronic hepatitis. As the days of reviewing ‘portfolio’ (essays of EE skills for self-reflective purposes) were near, the rest of the group spent days working on their essays and did not seem to cover a lot on the case. They knew the basics but not enough to answer clinical questions or to handle some viral life cycle-related questions. Although I too needed to complete my portfolio, i was determined to get some work done since I was the chair and had to know something for the pbl discussion. During the discussion, we started of with my mates explaining simple anatomy and physiology, but when it gets to the nitty gritty bits like different serum levels of HBAg and Ab, they found it hard to grasp. I thought I would explain to them what I understood, little that I know that I had talked too much as a chair. The substitute tutor (orginial tutor absent) walked in.. sat for sometime, listened to what we had to say….saw me talking …asked some questions, and since I can answer them, I gave them a go. Before I knew it, he said "U are chair rite?", "U don need to answer all the questions. U r suppose to delegate. Just shut up. and point to ur members and ask them to talk."

Immediately, there was dead silence. I was taken aback for a second there, gained my composure and directed some questions to the group. but not to a specific member. The group was left quiet for some time. I personally felt that they were not very well equipped with the knowledge…a couple more hours on microbiology or biochemistry is what they need. Since noone can tell us what’s happening and I was not allowed to speak (which I find ridiculous), I decided that we relocate the question as a learning objective as to be discussed for next session.

Right. I feel much better now. It was the first time I have to chair the session, pity it wasn’t really a nice experience. It was disheartening how the overemphasizing of protocol could restrict the sharing of knowledge and information. I was there to help, point not very well taken by the substitute tutor though. At the same time, I felt older in one day. It seems like I’ve grown and I’m no longer immune to the vulnerable verbal belittling of other people. It made me realize that I’m no longer sheltered from my parent’s warmth and loving care. It’s not something you can bring to the principal and complain about (not that it will ever occur as such if it did), but just something you take in, think it through, get sad for a while and grow up!

I wonder what God has to teach me about through this incident. Yes, it’s not a misfortune…it’s a lesson. I felt I was being freed from a security-guarded zone into the world, the real world…where sometimes your feelings are just not other people’s concern. Honestly, this is the first time that someone asked me to shut up, and for the very oddest reasons. Hahaaha….well, we’ll just take a step back and laugh about it. 

Wouldn’t we?

Yes, I just came back from bible study. But instead of having bible discussions, we had sharing instead.

One guy in the group is dealing with terrible situations with his experiments that are part of his final year project. He has been going through stress, depression for weeks now, and we share his sorrow. However, instead of just letting him dealing with problems himself, we commited him to the Lord, and prayed for God-given wisdom and peace.

Many people have come to the Lord and left because they haven’t had their prayers answered or simply didn’t get the things they wanted. In this materialistic world, it is ever harder to have faith in something that doesn’t reward you in the way you believe it should. So difficult, you would turn away. Few would persevere and be patient with God’s timing. I do want to focus on the process of awaiting God’s answer that could be life-changing. The things that He takes you through that could break you and would make you stronger. In this particular person’s case for e.g., before having assigned a project, he was practically absent from bible studies or church services. During these tough times however, he turned up for every bible study and church service, he came closer to God. It became a trigger for him to pray to the Lord.

The Lord builds us up in many different ways as much as He created us in such various shapes and sizes. Different people might walk different roads or paths for the same reasons, but they would ultimately end on the same destination.

One afternoon, I was deeply aggravated by a cynical attitude of someone who I see day in day out. He obviously does not believe in Christ, or even if he believes it, his heart certainly wasn’t anywhere near righteous. The other thing that gets me was despite how wicked he is at laughing at other people’s downfall, his life is smooth sailing and he has no wordly worries. I was just annoyed at the return of these wicked people. The moment I started asking the Lord about this and asked Him to speak to me, I opened the bible and the page that I was looking at for no reason said this:

PSALM 73

For I envied the proud

When I saw them prosper despite their wickedness

They seem to live such painless life;

their bodies are so healthy and strong

They aren’t troubled like other people

or plagued with problems like everyone else.

They wear pride like a jeweled necklace

and their clothing is woven of cruelty,

these fat cats have everything

their hearts could ever wish for!

They scoff and speak only evil;

in their pride they seek to crush others.

They boast against the very heavens,

and their words strut throughout the earth.

And so people are dismayed and conferred,

drinking in all their words.

"Does God realize what is going on?" they ask.

"Is the most high even aware of what is happening?"

Look at these arrogant people,

enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.

Was it for nothing that I kept my heart pure

and kept myself from doing wrong?

All I get is trouble all day along;

every morning brings me pain.

……

and I thought about the destiny of the wicked.

Truly, you put them on a slippery path,

and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.

In an instant they are destroyed,

swept away by terrors.

_______________________________________________________

Alright, apart from the phrase "All I get is trouble all day long, every morning brings me pain", the rest were just spot on. Even internet replies can’t be that efficient. I was so amazed with the message He has delivered.

So tonight, this verse I will leave with you.

Psalm 37:7

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."

Goodnight and God bless.

Sorry to say, I don really live up to the Manchester standard life of all-night partying. Rather, I can feel myself getting older and more reluctant to get drunk or get all ecstastic in disco clubs. Tired. It could be the weather though. The weather calender here just doesn’t make sense, it’s turning March, and still as you walk out of the door, you can feel the winter chill piercing through your skin. Even at this moment when I’m typing near the closed window, I am still vulnerable to it.

Sorry for  being so random as well, I know it myself since my fellow pblmates have been commenting to me how bizarrely i stray from the ‘main topic’ of conversations, I just can’t help but sharing the lost trains of thoughts sometimes. Here goes:

I am just so frustrated sometimes how my small figure just doesn’t help at all in certain situations. For e.g., getting the nutella jar from the top shelve of the cupboard. I would either need to ask for help or use a stool myself. Hate it totally. It also doesn’t help when the only person that you had a disagreement with is in the same kitchen, then you would just have to wait for him/her to get out before you reach for the stool, or be ‘thick-faced’ and ask for a favour, and reluctantly say ‘thank you’.

Not that I had this encounter but it’s something I imagined. haha:)

Also, my bible is currently in someone’s car, it’s been a week I’m without it, and I do not feel comfortable at all, feels as though something’s missing around here. I’m gonna go for bible study in just a few mins, so hopefully I can get my bible back from that person who has it with him.

Oh yea, an unfortunate thing happened to my one and only phone here. It was fried!!! I think a short-circuit caught up with it, and it can never be switched on. It’s just another thing that adds to my misery.

ok, i’ll stop the blabbing and tata.

"If… a Christian… sees a brother in need and won’t help him, how can God’s love be within him?"  - 1 John 3:17

I dare not say that I am brave or anywhere near courageous, or strong; I got scared or spooked sometimes when I read the passages and imagine what’s going to become of the world before the second coming of Christ. I even pray to God: Oh Lord, You know my limits, my weakness and my strength, please do not put me through tough testing!

Other times, I was wondering about global crisis, genicides, war, famines etc. I wonder if my role really belong to an affluent country? Help is abundant in developed countries that they even have the luxury to measure the ‘quality of life’; whereas in certain countries, people are only concerned about life and death. Still, humans would find themselves happy in their comfort zones, sometimes proding into better and more accessible affluent areas.

I wonder if you’ve watched ‘Hotel Rwanda’. If you haven’t, I wished you’re going to. Let we warn you though, that it’s not a movie that would go well with popcorns on a Friday night. Rather, it is reality tv that everyone on earth should take note and remember. It is a depict of the 1997 genicide due to political divisions that had lead to the killing of millions in Rwanda, along with human’s ignorance, cruelty and darkness. You could imagine yourselves being in their shoes and counting every single heartbeat while you’re alive for not knowing which is going to be the last.

The saddest thing is: Humans had allowed it to happen.

Instead of asking why a loving God allow such suffering and killings, I ask ‘How God is still able to tolerate humans doing these killings?’ I sense grace, awakening, shamefulness, mercy. For what had happened is entirely on our own cause and intentions. God has never intended for us to hurt anyone physically or mentally; needless to say that it would definitely apply to the massacre of human lives. We are given the choices, we carry out our own intended actions. By ignoring or overlooking the genicide, isn’t it in a way that we have tolerated these hurrendouse killings? I am so shameful to be part of this cruel world, where humans can butcher each other and others just stand and watch, utterly shameful.

God had been merciful and always has been. At the same time He allowed for humans to make their choices (which could involve ‘genicide’ for 1 big e.g.), He also allowed for the development of technology, medical advancement, transportations, so that in no way that powerful countries were hindered from stopping the killings to take place. What hindered us is not the absence of advancement; but the absence of our own advancement.

I therefore pray for these governments to be rid of corruption, to turn against scandalous schemes, to construct an effective framework for the well-being of the country, especially the role of law upholders; for what use if you ask your child not to smoke but puff like a chimney yourself? I pray for wisdom.

I pray for conscience when righteousness is so far away from their hearts. I pray for repentance. I pray for courage and bravery for those who join the fight for justice of the oppressed.

I pray most of all, that all of them would taste salvation, and that these people who had once feared man, would live again.

Amen.

Praise God that He landed me a channel to share with you His verses and His wonderful graceful ways in my life! Yes, today is just the same…just that even better, I get to share the joy of a home-made cheesecake with  my housemates.

Well, me and my mate made a banana cheesake, decorated with dark chocolate sprinkles on top. And at night, after having a mouthful of it, and listening to the songs of a band ‘Within temptation’, how I wish God could be in human form, so that I can make a white chocolate cheesecake for Him. Well, you know cheesecakes are forever sweet and fattening…the good thing is, I’m sure He can take the sweetness without fearing diabetes or heart disease.

I come across a song with these lyrics:

Somewhere

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign.

Instead there is only silence,

can’t you hear my screams?

Never stop hoping,

Need to know where you are,

but one thing is for sure,

you’re always in my heart.

Chorus:

I’ll find you somewhere

I’ll keep on trying until my dying day.

I just need to know whatever has happened

the truth will free my soul.

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home.

I want to embrace you and never let you go.

Almost hope you’re in heaven so noone can hurt your soul.

Living in agony cause I just do not know where you are

Wherever you are, I won’t stop searching.

Whatever it takes, I need to know.

If you can imagine, one night you wake up, and you’re lying in the woods….all you hear is the owls, next to insects…and you’re trying to look for your dearest, you don even care whatever state you are in, all you think of is where would he be, how is he at the moment, breathing? safe? and you search, you scream in the middle of nowhere, you step on branches…that scratched your feet, but even that is not as painful when compared to losing that one person you want him to be next to you in these graving times. You look, even if you can hardly see…you are not even sure whether you your own are safe, you keep on hoping, that when you see him the next time, you will be able to exchange hugs…..imagine.

I have yet met a person in my life except my family that would probably lead me into this kind of complicated feelings if faced with that sort of situation. One or two of my bestfriends perhaps, and I’m sure I’ll be sobbing all the way. My words now would probably be "Learn to trust God, pray to Him, depend on Him." Yes, that’s true. That would probably be what some of us would do. But just think about the emotional attachment to that person that cause you to act that way, and you can picture the love in human nature…though not as great, but comforting.

However, would that also be a kind of selfishness? A thought that you would not want to live without that person, because it is a pleasure to be with that person….Is that out of selfcentredness? or pure love?

Debatable. Something to think about. So, what is the focus in your life? Is it your own comfort? Your own pleasure? Or do you live circling around someone else, human? And would that be out of mere love, or because you want that person for yourself?

Hope when you are making a cheesecake or any cake one day, it maybe your turn to ask me some questions. God bless.

‘Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers. Letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.’

- Phillipians 4: 6-7

Well, one of the terrible things of being a medical student would be to face exams (I might be speaking for myself here). They are not so bad if they are written exams….trust me, it’s the oral ones that get your nerves. I’ve passed through 8 exams now through my 2 years of medical student life, and it is always the oral anatomy exams that made me broke down to tears. To be frank, I am one of those students who could in fact answer questions normally in class when the anatomy demonstrator is out to trap people. However, when it comes to the night before exams, I just seem to be temporarily amnesic! The anxiety was equally bad if not worse yesterday night when I was trying to revise for my anatomy station this morning. The area of exam is so broad, they could test you anything ranging from the smallest artery in the head down to the little muscles in your feet.

And since time is so short, I did not even bother to look at the description text in the books, just trying to look up all the specimens hoping that I could name the body structures for tomorrow. And as I turned page by page, trying to recall the relevant information about that nerve or this ligament, tears started rolling down my eyes, not because I didn’t know the answers, but I just have this sense of insecurity, knowing that there could be so much more I don’t know.

It was then that I started praying, "Lord, have mercy on me, give me the peace of mind, so that I can do this…give me courage, to carry on."

Yes, exams….you might say…why so stressed?

Let’s now review the following:

As we all know, medical school students tend to be made up of Type A personality people, humans with a natural tendency to be hostile, competative, worrisome etc. (naturally with a high risk of heart attack..haha)…it is also these qualities that drives them to work hard, and do well in exams, master knowledge..and in other aspects, in order to handle the responsibility of taking care of other people’s lives.

Last year, we had to sit for this ‘progress test’, which involves clinical questions assessing all medical students of all 5 years with the same paper. On the day of exams, our seat numbers are placed among those who are from the 4th and 5th years…and their performance in the ‘progress test’ could carry a more remarkable weighting since they are doing the clinical years. Before the exam started, this English girl who was sitting in front of me started panting at first. She then held her palms covering her forehead and started sobbing; she tried to cover her mouth to mask the sounds, but it was too loud in an exam room for everyone not to notice.

So, ‘exams’…that’s what it can do to people…people who you think they should be able to handle stressful situations, involving life or death….Now, people..please don’t get bogged down about these future doctos panicking out of exams..for a lot of good doctors just have such a high expectation of themselves, they can’t forgive themselves for not doing well. And it’s that ‘expectation’ that is the culprit. It is also possible that they could treat their future patients with equal concern and care…for it could indicate their level of capability and their ‘appreciation of life’…but in a lot of cases, it’s down to God and His planning for the will of good.

So, in my exam this morning, if it’s not for God, I could have gotten some bizzarre questions that I know no answers to. And it is also God that gives me the strength to pull through the pressure of these terrible 5-minute stations. What I’ve experienced is the mercy of God that is so gracious….He is so forgiving.

Now I am not saying that God’s blessing is directly proportionate to the amount of time you spent trying to study his word or worshipping him (coz it could be more), but being quite distant from church these few weeks did not help to instil the sense of belonging to the body of Christ. And for that, I’m afraid that He would not listen to my prayers. But today, I must say this, for I am compelled…because I have experienced His grace, and it is so sweet, it helps you fly and sail! I am thankful, because I know a lot of things could go wrong without Jesus praying along.

So for those people who are under stress in exams, believe me I understand…You might find that you normally know things so well, and in a blink it was gone just before the exams…but listen to me, take a deep breath, and pray..and remember that Jesus is praying along, while God is listening.

ahha…..stepping into the age where I’m no longer considered as being a teenager. I’m getting older now, but to be honest, I don feel any older. It’s probably because I still am carrying on doing the same thing when I was 19, not given any extra responsibilities to mark the transition.

Not to say that I’m not happy, just feel a bit sorry that my age doesn’t speak much about how amazingly more ‘youthful’ I feel. I feel 15!!

On the day of my birthday (3rd of Jan for your info), my housemates & a couple of my friends went to watch ‘Just like heaven". Now some people might say, WHAT?? That’s a chick-flick?!!! Well, listen to me now…that’s exactly the point, that’s exactly what I need that night….a reminder, a warning…! You might wonder why I’m saying that’s it’s a reminder or a warning. You see:

Before we went for the movie, we were discussing among ourselves how a doctor’s life would involve all work and no play, no social life- no love life- no husbands- no family…….here goes. I have in fact observed for myself a few examples in my own family who demonstrated that progress.

So, how scared am I you imagine if I was tempered with these thoughts..well, not very much..just that being 20 doesn’t really help with the situation, and tick tock…clock’s ticking!

The movie started around 9.45 pm at AMC. There it is this girl being a doctor, spending over 46 hours in the hospital, her flatmates hardly notice her existence, people joking to her that she only have to have patients to worry about, old patient proposing to her….(sorry to spoil the movie for you), but mind you….we totally didn’t expect the girl in the movie to be a doctor. As it goes, she does not have a social life…and on that night she was promoted to be an attending consultant, she was involved in a carcrash on her way to meet up with a ‘pre-arranged’ date.

The point is…..why do we work so hard in life? And we find ourselves asking this sort of questions when exam’s near and we need to burnt the midnight oil, get stressed. Haahhaa, so I take the movie as a warning, a reminder..that life is not only about exams or work….

However, I do admire the professionalism of the gal in the movie, she did not only take her job seriously, she took very good care of her patients, and put them as first priority, above her own time for romance.

It’s a great possibility that my life is intended for a kind of passion like that….for I know no romance that would be great enough to lead to a marriage in 5 years after getting to know each other….(assuming that an age less than 30 would be the right time). And we know that the probability of getting married after 30 immediately decrease by a great margin, alongwith the emergence of younger, spirited gals, in accordance with the incidence of older men getting married to younger women, instead of vice versa. And so, you see..ain’t that movie turn out to be something other than a chick-flick…believe me, it is. (at least to me)

ANd last but not least, thanks Anita, for paying attention to my blog….after the amount of time spent typing these. (You have to understand, it’s exam time now!!!) ANd esp to my high school peers..whom temporary residence is in UK at the same time….taking the time out to give me  a phone bday song.  I was especially surprised to receive a bday text from yining and yixiang during the movie, how a thoughtful pair of siblings.  Hahahha…there goes, Welcome 2006, welcome 20!!!! And I enjoyed my birthday…